Thoughts, thoughts, & more.....THOUGHTS.......

People have told me before that one of the things they admire about me is my "sound sense of judgment and reaction to situations".  On the outside, I can see how it may look like I am a calm, cool, collected person who thinks things out in a rational sense and makes decisions based on facts, my thoughts and by weighing the outcomes, rewards and consequences. For the most part, this is true. I am often able to remain very realistic and rational in terms of thinking and decision-making. I feel, like everyone else because it is natural....but I do not often react or make decisions based on emotions, feelings or what my "heart" is urging me to do. This has definitely had its advantages, as I have been able to see some things through to the end, and avoided some potentially dangerous, detrimental, and even heartbreaking situations and experiences. But as I sit here and continue to think (shocker right), I am beginning to really really wonder whether or not this has benefited me enough to keep it going?

Speaking on a particular situation that happened earlier today, I asked a simple question, received a simple response but it immediately sent my emotions into overdrive...or at least overdrive for me which means that my heart felt like it kind of tripped and fell into the pit of my stomach. This is the feeling that I get when I know that no matter how much I have tried to avoid it, ignore it, sometimes lie to my self about it, control it, handle it, transfer it into something or someone else.....my heart has been affected it is in the situation much deeper than I wanted it to be, and than it should be. All I can think is DAMN, not again (smile, giggle, shake head).

Ordinarily I do not get so emotionally attached, if emotionally attached at all. This is not something that I usually have to try to avoid or intentionally trick myself into, it is something that usually comes natural. This particular person (whom I am not even sure knows it has become this deep) really has me baffled. The timing is off, the location is off, and we are two totally independent people. Add in a few other details, and we could not be anymore wrong for each other....yet the mutual respect, affection, appreciation and Love does exist. One thing that I can say that makes this situation different from the others is that these feelings are not one sided, and for the first time I can say this because they have all be stated and shown....

So why then do I feel so...incredibly awful about all of this? Why do I feel somewhat like I have betrayed the pact we share. Why do I feel bad for feeling more, and even worse for not being able to express or articulate what the "more" is that I feel. That's another thing that makes it different, I usually know exactly what it is that I feel for someone, whether the feelings are platonic or romantic or both or neither....this time, I am a little stumped. Still I know that I cannot ignore my gut because it will not change nor help anything. I am not in love, and this is no crush, but there is definitely...."something" there.

So now as I continue to confuse and consume my brain with thoughts....not only do I have to determine what this nebulousness of emotions, feelings and thoughts mean...but I will also indeed have to decide what I will do about it. He is a good friend...actually one of my best, and no matter what I know that I do not want to lose that. Our history, story, past is one that is indeed interesting, but it has taken much growing, maturing, and time to get us to where we are now, and I do not want anything to change that....What to do, what  to do? WHY DO I THINK SO MUCH.....AM I OVER-THINKING?

I will continue to have faith that it will be worth it.....