So, very recently I have come to realize some truths about myself and my heart that I must confront. There has been a certain individual who has been a part of my life for many years now. This person has sort of "watched and experienced me grow and grow up" in many ways and I value him very dearly. He is a friend, and former lover, but more-so than all of that I just really treasure him. Being single is something that I have grown to be accustomed to. It has it's advantages that I really love. I like being able to make decisions without having to consider someone else, I like being able to for the most part do what I want when I want, I enjoy alone time, and living by myself. Within relationships, in the past I have really struggled because I often "lose myself". When I am with someone, in the past I have given up many of the things that I love and value. And it can be just the simplest things that I come to miss so much. This doesn't mean that I have a negative perception about relationships in general, but when it comes to the "traditional" and "acceptable" aspects of relationships, I do......It is difficult to not let others on the "outside" in. People who care about you naturally want to know how you are doing and what's going on in your personal life....and then there are the nosey people and those who deep down or very shallowly do not wish you well and because they are not truly happy, they do not want you to be either. These people are dangerous and toxic to your relationships. I have let those people inside of my heart and head and it has affected my judgment before.
Now, I am at a place where I want to be happy, and want the best for myself... so in my journey to "define myself, for myself" it is important for me to let go of the "outside" perspective. Getting back on topic, and back to this person....we just have a very tight yet unique bond. Our "relationship" cannot be labeled or defined in any way. And I am now at the point where that is ok with me, and I prefer it that way. Part of our journey together has been a learning process for us together as well as individually. I respect and admire him so much; he is just an all around good person. The love I have for him is well-rounded and it seems to be getting to a point of being unconditional. Have we made mistakes in regards to how we have treated each other and our relationship? Yes. Have we hurt one another? Yes. But through it all there is something that brings us back to each other as well. I know that regardless of what happens to me in life, the choices I make, or how I continue to grow and change, his judgment free support and love is a constant. It has been almost 5 years since I have been in a relationship.
I have dated plenty in that time, and have realized plenty of times over that I have no idea what I have been looking for? LOL. Imagine that, the person who tries desperately to have everything planned out, organized, and together is completely clueless about one of the most important aspects of my life....ha ha!! But the really crazy part about that is that I am ok with it. I recently "confessed" to him how I feel and where I want our relationship to go, or technically "not go"...but progress to again, but this time with a more clear understanding of what we both want and need. He needs and deserves time to think it over, but in the event that things do work out, I think this time it will be much better because we will both know exactly where we stand and without all of the labels and extra stuff that clouts people's judgment and understanding, we can just....be..... Guess we will see what happens!
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