I know what I want

This is exactly what I am going to do

This past weekend was very interesting. For the first time in a long time I took a real chance on something that that I have been extremely apprehensive about for years now. Through my "transformative" process. growth and maturity there has been one thing that I have been resistant to that has been holding me back. I am not sure why it took me so long to face it or make a change...no actually I take that back; I do know why. Simply put, I was not ready. I have been the main factor holding me back from moving forward and having what I want. Mix that with my indecisiveness and well...there you have it. I set myself up for failure.

I listen to people talk and give their advice and opinions about love and life and relationships. I have allowed some of that to influence me...ok, well much of it. The result for me was 4 years of turning tables. Being hot then cold. Yes I want to be in a relationship, no I don't. Kids, no kids....and now I realized that none of that matters. What matters is me. What I want, what I believe I am worthy of and should have. And I do want love. I have become accustomed to being alone. But that doesn't mean I am content. I have been the object of affection for a few people over the past few years since the end of my engagement and a 4-year relationship....

I know now exactly what I want though. I want love. I don't want to describe it, characterize it, put it in a box, label it, define it or analyze it...I want to experience it. I want it to experience me. I know what I want now. I am ready for it. This past weekend, I let go and enjoyed the company of a companion. Though we are not "in a relationship", facebook official etc. we are getting to know one another and spending time together and I like that. It is a step in the right direction, and I am ready to keep walking to see where this journey leads me. It was a very interesting weekend :-)