I I I
I listened to the voicemail message for the second time, and I can swear my heart stopped beating or skipped a few bears. In that moment all of the anger that I tried son not to let overwhelm me came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I was....defeated.
After all these years, all of the people who I could walk away from so easily...I still could not walk away from you. Tortured...that has to be the best way to describe how I felt, how I am feeling again now. But who was the mastermind? Was it you because you knew that truth, have known it and accepted it for a little while but tried hard to keep it from me...or was it really me? Because I should have been able to see through you...and I could not, did not.
You held all of the cards in your hand. The best hand, the winning hand. You played them as you saw fit, for 4 years. And I never being able to call your bluff long enough to see it through to your defeat, was defeated in the end. My hand was always better than yours. My cards always a little more significant, but I couldn't follow through with my plan. So well organized and laid out in my head....so in the end you bluffed, played them as you saw fit...and I lost. More than once, I lost.
I know that one day I will get over it and move on because that's what I have always done. But tonight, I cannot help but wonder was what we had all a lie? Did you really ever care? or understand my feelings for you? or....why you couldn't just let me go?
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