Living vs. Existing....

I watched this movie the other day and I recall a line from one of the actors. He said, “Are you living, or are you existing?” This automatically started my mind wondering what exactly it is that I am doing. I recall having a conversation with a friend about a month ago in which I stated that I feel as if I never do anything for myself, and even the thoughts of what I think I want to do are not always original because they stem from what others want, need and expect of me…..seems kind of weird, maybe a little silly, but I have come to realize that this is my reality and if I had to answer that question based on my life up until this point, I would have to say that I am merely existing.

I can talk ALL DAY long for DAYS about all of the things I want to do, places to go, experiences I desire to have, but when I think about the reason my wants and needs and desires have gone unmet, and my dreams have not come to fruition, I realized that it is because I am not truly living…definitely not for me.

The same friend told me this morning, “the number one thing that stands in the way of our success is self-doubt” This is soooo true! I have always had my insecurities about what I can, can’t, should and should not do. Most of these insecurities come from the thoughts, opinions, attitudes and ideas of others…those close to me. I think about, worry about, and consider what they want for me, and what they think I should and should not be doing.  I exist as opposed to living, because living to me involves doing things for myself, thinking for myself, acting based upon myself, and considering myself. I have put the needs of others ahead of my own for much too long. I no longer want to simply exist; I want to live!

I know that I have the potential to achieve great things, to truly be happy, to live in a way that is free of stress, worry and self-doubt. I also know that I will face opposition along the way, and that I will be rejected by some who are close to me and have been for a while. What I also know is that when it comes down to “living” we have to be the center of our own world and reality. I think we have been taught for so longs to be selfless, to put others before ourselves, that being self-centered is wrong. One of the greatest lessons I have learned these last 10 years is that is the pure Bullshit. God gives us the opportunity to choose what we do with our lives. My take on it is that God wants us to love, laugh and be happy and true happiness is self-obtained. It is not based on how well others treat us, how much they love and care for us, or what we do for them, it is based on how much we care for ourselves, respect ourselves, love ourselves and are true to ourselves. If I am to make the changes necessary in order for me to Live and not Exist, then I guess this world, my world will have to transition itself around yours truly…ME!